My poetry tribute to Able Seaman Archibald Mackie Cruickshank 63rd RND

[Andy Cundell]

Hi all!

Being a former Royal Navy Submariner, I felt a connection to my fallen distant relative (by marriage) Archibald.   I started to think about the sailors that fought alongside the Army and fell far away from the sea...with many traditions within the Royal Navy, I felt they were robbed of these falling in the Somme, so I put pen to paper!  I visited his grave in Bucquoy, where I left a Royal Navy Bosuns Call wrapped around a Remembrance Cross as my little tribute.

 

The Bosuns Call

With bouy and gun that shined so bright, with keel and shackle to hold on tight,

the Bosun blew with all his might.

 

Over vickers, and mortar he could be heard,

through shell and battle, he was undeterred.

 

A tear I saw deep in his eye, his fingers flicked from low to high,

LET GO and then THE STILL he piped.

 

I looked around abaft of me, through smoke and mud I could not see,

And then I saw...it was for me

My time to cross the bar.

 

 

Naiad of the Somme

‘No albatross did come for me,

Far inland from my beloved sea.

There was no bar for me to cross,

I fear my soul is much at loss.

 

There were traditions to observe,

The canvas, a stitch and tots to serve.

I need to be with ebb and flow, 

Its where a mariner’s soul should go.’

 

From a nearby brook a Naiad called out to the land...

 

‘Poor Jack Tar, show yourself to me.

You're afar on land, way from the sea.

No Albatross can travel here,

Too many guns of war, they fear.

 

Do not despair, for you should know,

Ancre does have water flow.

Hold my hand and travel with me,

All water does flow to the sea’.

 

Through ferns and stream, they travelled far,

On Bay de Somme, they found his bar.

She kissed his cheek, held back a tear,

She knew his last goodbye was near.

 

‘Sweet Naiad, I thank with all my heart,

now is time for me to depart.

Although I do have one last plea,

Please bring my shipmates here for me.’

 

Edited 21 November , 2023 by Andy Cundell
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[michaeldr]

Thanks Andy

[seaJane]

Are those the first poems you ever wrote, Andy? Congratulations! I really like the imagery.

(As someone who is used to editing, there are a few things I would polish, but it's not my place to barge in, so I won't.)

[Andy Cundell]

Thankyou seaJane! It’s the first since I was a kid, many years ago 🤣 Out of interest and continued improvement, what would you change? I know these were changed a lot anyway by myself 🤣

[seaJane]

3 hours ago, Andy Cundell said:

what would you change?

Okay -

shined in the very first line should properly be shone.

I would look to remove the compound present and past tense verbs with do and did - "did come" is quite old-fashioned and sounds deliberately poetic in a way; but (for example) "will come" is a quite ordinary future tense which fits as well and sounds more usual and in the context more powerful.

And I would try to put one syllable to a beat if at all possible, to remove the extra unstressed syllables that have to be fitted into the rhythm. Just as an example, for the first stanza of Naiad of the Somme (with apologies for rewriting line 4 to scan) -

No albatross will come for me

So far from my beloved sea.

There is no bar for me to cross,

My soul still lingers at a loss.

Happy to continue the conversation if you'd like to, but perhaps by message would be better?

sJ

 

[FROGSMILE]

Super poems and very moving to read, thank you very much for sharing them.  I know nothing at all about poetry, but after reading and digesting her words I think that SeaJane gives good advice.  You two make a good writing team. 

[Andy Cundell]

On 24/11/2023 at 17:23, seaJane said:

Okay -

shined in the very first line should properly be shone.

I would look to remove the compound present and past tense verbs with do and did - "did come" is quite old-fashioned and sounds deliberately poetic in a way; but (for example) "will come" is a quite ordinary future tense which fits as well and sounds more usual and in the context more powerful.

And I would try to put one syllable to a beat if at all possible, to remove the extra unstressed syllables that have to be fitted into the rhythm. Just as an example, for the first stanza of Naiad of the Somme (with apologies for rewriting line 4 to scan) -

No albatross will come for me

So far from my beloved sea.

There is no bar for me to cross,

My soul still lingers at a loss.

Happy to continue the conversation if you'd like to, but perhaps by message would be better?

sJ

 

Absolutely!!! I’m currently at work with only phone access so will continue when I’m home in a few days if that’s ok!!

[seaJane]

3 hours ago, Andy Cundell said:

if that’s ok!!

That's fine. I too am away from home this week so replies may be a bit erratic.

[Andy Cundell]

Loving it so far seaJane!!!!

I totally agree with you :-) 

If you wish, you could either pm the changes or just go for them on here!!! 

Thankyou for your help :-) 

[Andy Cundell]

On 24/11/2023 at 22:19, FROGSMILE said:

Super poems and very moving to read, thank you very much for sharing them.  I know nothing at all about poetry, but after reading and digesting her words I think that SeaJane gives good advice.  You two make a good writing team. 

Thankyou!!! 

[seaJane]

On 24/11/2023 at 22:19, FROGSMILE said:

SeaJane gives good advice.  You two make a good writing team

Thank you for the compliment