MORE “DON’Ts FOR PATIENTS

By one in C8

DON’T put “Tonight’s the Night” on the gramophone when Nurse is cross. (Her evening off has probably been postponed till Friday.)

DON’T ask Sister for cigarette cards if she looks worried. (She is most likely having an interview with Matron tomorrow morning.)

DON’T develop new symptoms when the M.O. is snappy. (You will get scant sympathy if he was three tricks down on his “no trumps re-doubled” last night.)

If the M.O. prescribes No.9’s, DON’T argue. (He might change his mind – and make it Castor Oil.)

If you are an Infantryman, DON’T tell us about the little girl in the Estaminet at B___, who was so keen on you. (We have ALL met her.)

If you belong to the A.S.C., DON’T tell Nurse anything about the saphead you held at Wipers – or whatever other name you think of. (Some rotten Infantryman is sure to ask his neighbour the difference between “saphead” and “softhead.”)

If you belong to the A.O.C., DON’T forget to wear your spurs as you walk down the ward saying “Good-bye” the day you are discharged from hospital. (It impresses the Orderlette.)

If the fellow in the next bed snores, DON’T forget to accuse the night Nurse of it. (It will make you popular with her.)

If there is a sergeant in your ward, DON’T forget to laugh at his jokes. (Sergeants have been known to get boxes of “Abdullas” sent them occasionally.)

(Note to Editor. – Please alter brand in above paragraph if you can get another firm to pay me more for the advertisement. – Author.)

If you must relate funny stories, for Heaven’s sake DON’T tell the one about the girl and the soldier. (You never know when Sister will come in.)

Even if you are fond of music, DON’T put “Salut d’Amour” on the gramophone more than four times in succession. If you do, some other silly idiot, whose brain does not soar above rag-time, will develop a headache and Sister will ban the gramophone for the rest of the day. (“I” got a headache once, so I know.)

If your egg should happen to be a little – er – so-so, DON’T take it laying – pardon – lying down. Go to the O.C. Chicken Run and lay a complaint.

(Note to Editor. – This paragraph is NOT intended as a reflection on the Wandsworth hens, but “eggs is eggs,” as Omar – or was it George Robey? – once said. – Author.)

DON’T go into hospital with influenza or such-like simple complaints. (The Officers and Sisters will like you much better if yours in an interesting case.)

C. B. (18th Royal Fusiliers).